You tackle a lot of important topics in this essay, and I think you
can make your argument work. However, there are a few of weaknesses that
keep it from being fully effective, and which you can work on to
improve the essay.
First, for such a short essay assignment you
try to tackle too many topics, keeping you from examining any of them in
sufficient depth. Nearly every sentence introduces a new topic.
Focusing on a couple of major â€œrevolutionaryâ€ changes in the body
instead of throwing in every change you can think of would lead to a
more focused essay.
Second (and related to the first issue), many
of your points are too generalized and lacking in evidence to be fully
effective. For example, at the end of your first body paragraph, you
write: â€œSimilarly, i altered the American culture and changed their
interpretation of knowledge, truthfulness, and history.â€ That is a huge
statement, but you donâ€™t follow it up with any evidence so it does not
help you support your argument. If you want to focus on cultural change,
for example, you need to offer some clear examples from from the
lectures and readings to support this argument. Likewise, if you want to
argue that the Revolution created a more democratic society, you need
to offer concrete examples of how it did so.
Finally, your essay
appears to draw on outside sources for some of its information. Remember
that you may only use the material from this classâ€”lectures, the
textbook, and the discussion readingsâ€”to write your paper. Drawing on
outside sources violates the rules and would make this paper
unacceptable if you turned it in as is. So make sure you remove anything
that did not come from our class. Overall, I think youâ€™ve got some
solid general ideas with which to support your argument. Focus each of
your body paragraphs on a single major issue, support that analysis with
evidence and examples from lectures and readings, and rewrite the essay
to get rid of the material drawn from sources outside our class, and I
think you can do well.